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"Pope Francis Better Watch His Back, Because Rihanna Is Coming For His Gig."

Every year Anna Wintour and curator Andrew Bolton join forces to become the most influential power-couple EVER. Well, at least just for the first Monday in May when they get to play dollhouse with pop-culture’s finest celebrities and fashion’s most iconic names to arrange the Metropolitan Museum’s Costume Institute Benefit - the Met Gala, if you’re nasty - which works as a tour de force blockbuster to mark the beginning of an exhibition at the museum revolving around a centered theme which the guests are advised to follow in their look-turning for the red carpet. It is essentially a high fashion pageant for the rich and famous, although if you look closely at the red carpet you might find yourself wondering if some of these people’s invites got lost in the mail or perhaps they just didn’t have anything to wear. Either way, they stepped out into the flashing lights and we are here to talk about them. Be aware, in the Met Gala there are only two sides, you either nail it or you fall face first into the ground. Here are the looks for this year’s theme: Heavenly Bodies: Fashion and the Catholic Imagination. Bless you.

First up is Bella Hadid, my favorite nepo girl* looking gorgeously dramatic in a Gareth Pugh x Chrome Hearts collab. She is giving Bratz dolls worldwide a run for their money. Her face was beat for the gods and the back of her dress features gorgeous golden cross in the middle and a cape that draped directly down from her hair. You did amazing sweetie. And if you are wondering if Gigi was as cute as her the answer is No. And that’s all I’m gonna say about that. 

 Damon Winter/The New York Times

Damon Winter/The New York Times

Ever since Rihanna’s scrambled egg eleganza back in 2015 having a dramatic train has become a staple at the Met Gala and though most times they look like an over-kill Diane Kruger showed us how to do it right in a piece that was, to my surprise, by Prabal Gurung with an amazing net headpiece by Philip Treacy x Tasaki. The beautiful color and ruffles of her dress made her look like a walking waterfall as she walked up the stairs to the pearly gates. 

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Whoever styled Mindy Kaling tonight should be tried for attempted murder because this look is awful. She looks great but it has absolutely nothing to do with the theme except for a crown with…rhinestones? It looked like she was going to someone’s prom, stopped at a burger king for a quick snack, and then remembered she had a Gala to attend. I love her to death but whoever let her out looking like this is not a friend of hers. God forgot about her tonight, she really did. 

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Anthony Vaccarello, who had what I considered to be his best collection to date at YSL for Spring 2018, which included ostrich feather drama and even a re-imagined wedding dress, decided to take some of the coolest fashion girls and make them look dull and confusing standing next to the heavenly bodies that surrounded them. From Mica Arganaraz to Kate Moss to Charlotte Gainsbourg, Vaccarello might have been trying to conjure chic demons but his vision looked like hell on Earth. To quote Saint Tatianna from RuPaul’s Drag Race: “We all make choices, and that was a Choice.”

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The YSL women might have looked odd but I’m sure nobody noticed after Shailene Woodley walked by with Joan of Arc inspired look which might as well have been the Tinman from Wizard of Oz. Joan of Arc sweetie I’m so sorry. 

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Zendaya, who was also inspired by the legendary Joan of Arc, arrived in a beautiful chainmail get-up courtesy of Donatella Versace, who looked gorgeous herself. If I had a say in the look, I would change the shoe and take away the cape. Versace usually has an issue editing their looks, but I am willing to turn a blind eye if they could just send me that freaking wig. It just looks so good.

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The red carpet always lacks good Menswear, most men wear a tux and look exactly like they do at every other red carpet because apparently they don’t give a damn or whatever. Chadwick Boseman, on the other hand, said not today Satan. With the help of Donatella and her team at Versace he was transformed into a Holy Snack. Not to speak the Lord’s name in vain but... God damn he looked good. 

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Another Man who had an extraordinary look was the trailer park king himself. If Jesus drank Mountain Dew and wrote music he would be Jared Leto. He walked down the carpet with the Holy Spirit of Gucci himself, Alessandro Michele, and God herself Lana Del Rey. 

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And on that note, bottom’s up! Lana Del Rey gave the girlies not only the Mary Magdalene fantasy we wanted, but also the one we deserved: Gucci’s current aesthetic worked so well for the theme. Michele turned it out tonight with all of the drama that fit right in on the Met Gala. 

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Before I finish this list off with Rihanna and Solange, because of course we have to end on a high point, I will leave some honorable mentions: Lily Collins looked amazing in a very modest Givenchy. Kate Bosworth, who I have no clue what she does or who she is*, looked like a saint in Oscar de la Renta. Frances McDormand might not have looked like what we expected from the theme but the imagination from which Pierpaolo’s pieces come from is enough to make me a believer. Janelle Monáe did not disappoint in a strict Marc Jacobs get up that looked both serious and magical (Marc does a red carpet good). 

*Ed note: she's an actor! Also, I'm taking this opportunity to extend the shoutout to Sza, Lena Waithe, Arianna Grande, and Priyanka Chopra because they all killed it. 

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I am almost sure that it is through divine intervention that Rihanna gets to dominate the Met Gala every year. We never know what she is going to pull out of her hat but holy sh*t does she kill it every time. This year she paired with John Galliano to recreate the Papal look from his Dior Couture show back in 2000, only now under the Margiela name (though it had not a single note resembling the iconic name) The garments are heavily adorned and according that, according to the Maison’s Instagram, it took their Paris Atelier around 500 hours to hand embroider the whole thing. Rihanna must have had an assembly of angels by her side because you could not tell the weight of that thing by the way she gave a strut in her Vogue Instagram video. Pope Francis better watch his back, because Rihanna is coming for his gig.

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But Rih is not the only girl who dominates the Met Gala scene. We have all been knew that Solange can turn looks on top of looks. I don’t know where but I believe it is written in the Bible that one of the commandments reads “Thou shalt not disappoint, girl.” God wrote that for Solange, specifically. This year she is responsible for jaw disjointments and lace front emergencies within a 50 mile radius of her. I will have to grow my hair out another full year to restore the scalping she caused tonight. It takes talent to take an Iris Van Herpen dress with a du-rag and make it religious. Solange's and Rihanna's looks are on a different level. These are professional stunts. In short, these two don’t do cute, they do heavenly. 

Amen. 


Banner Image via: Shutterstock

Photos via: Damon Winter/The New York Times, Stephen Lovekin/Variety, and Getty Images.